The Secret Shall Prevail!

I know what you're all thinking; she's doing it again and now she's just too embarassed to admit it. Well, that may very well be the case, but (and yes, I'm aware that I've said this a number of times before) this time it's different.

In my naïve and romantic attempts of finding happiness I have travelled the world, met some wonderful people and some that weren't that great. I've rushed blindly into adventures, driven by excitement and a steadily beating heart. Most of the times I have failed, but that does not mean that I regret them. God knows that I don't. In fact, I don't see the point in regretting anything at all, except maybe the things that you always wanted to do but never did. All experiences are good ones. Really, in the end they are. They make you who you are, taints the way you live and think and love for the rest of your life. Every person that you meet, good or bad one, is your teacher.

And coming to realize these things, I have also realized what my biggest mistake was. I wanted too much. I wanted so badly to be a good person, to have a good relationship, to have a future with someone, to be free from all worries that every normal person is obviously facing. I wanted these things so bad, that I started to believe that I actually had them. And maybe I did, in my own little world, but once I saw the outside I knew that it had all been an illusion, a dream of happiness that had yet to reach me in reality.

So this time I'm leaving, but on completely different terms. I'm not doing this for anyone else or because I have yet another illusion of love and happiness in my future. No, this time it's the real me who is going. No more facades or hiding behind stupid masks that just vaguely resembles who I am. I'm going as me, and I can only hope that the people I will undoubtly meet there, will accept that only version. And if they don't, well then that's their loss!

A Secret Escape

Those who know me, even a little, also know that I'm not a person who can stay in Sweden for very long. I've said it before and I'll say it again; Sweden is wonderful, amazing really, but for me it's always at it's best when I can come visit while actually living elsewhere. And speaking of this "elsewhere". I unvoluntarily came back from Morocco in March this year. The plan was to stay for a month and then return. But then I got sick, and a lot of other things happening played its part to why I decided not to go back to Morocco at all.

I'm still sick. It's 05.26 in the morning and I haven't slept yet. My upper lip is swollen beyond recognition and as usual I'm worried that it will spread to my throat, which would mean yet another visit to the hospital. But, fact is that I do seem to get better. At least a bit. It's also possible that it's wishful thinking, but I really hope it's not. Either way, I can't stay in Sweden much longer, so I've started to plan for a secret escape!

When I get my student's loan, I will pack my books for school, some clothes, passport, camera and laptop (duh... what did you think?) and get on a plane somewhere south. I will not reveal anything else about this super secret location just yet, other than it's a place I've always wanted to visit and also had plans on doing so not too long ago.

I made Linda a promise not to go anywhere until Jamie is getting better after the surgery, and I intend to keep that promise. A promise is not something I give lightly. I'm aware that it might take some time, time that I probably need here in Sweden to get better myself anyways, but I'm already excited. 

For the thousand and eleventh time, I will start a new life.

This is me.

Today I'm going to make a confession. I'll try not to make this just another dramatic story. I just want to state what other people might find useful, no matter if they're similar to me or have someone close who is. But most of all, I want to explain to my friends (those who are lost and those who are still here) why I am the way I am.

Background

I come from a big family. I had the most wonderful childhood anyone can dream of. When I was around 13 things started to become bad in the family and a lot of unfortunate things happened. I was more or less responsible for the wellbeing of my two younger brothers and one baby sister. When I was 15 I had my first panic attack. I moved away from home.

Life away from home

When I was 18, my mum and boyfriend more or less forced me to go to a doctor. I hadn't eaten or slept properly in months, I was dead to the world and couldn't handle even the simplest tasks. The doctor, withough putting me through a series of tests, prescribed my first anti depressants and something to make me sleep at night. It all worked well for a while.

My diagnozis

I've been to countless doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, specialists and what not. I've been taking tests, changing medicines, giving me new ones. But in the end, the angst always comes back, immobilizing me until someone else comes up wth something new. So, I'm depressive. It means that I have a lack of serotenin (among other things) in my brain. It's a medical condition and not something that you can simply "get over". I'm still on meds, and while I'm writing this I feel how I'm being pushed deeper and deeper into the dark abyss of depression. And I'm not over exaggerating.

Side effects

I can deal with all the physical side affects cause by the medicines. I'm gaining weight, I'm loosing it, I've got constant headaches, nightmares and social phobia. I can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. I cry, of course. But the worst of all, is that I've lost most of my friends. I don't keep in touch, I don't call or text or email. I isolate myself to get over the worst part so that I can (hopefully) be stronger once I get out from isolation. But the effect has mostly turned out to be the opposite. I know I'm a burden, so I stay away from the ones I love the most. I can no longer do things that I loved before. Crowds scare me, simple tasks that lay ahead of me give me panic attacks, I'm constantly tired and unfocused.

The running

Yes, I've been running away from the depressions for as long as I can remember. I've moved around Sweden, to Oslo in Norway, went traveling to Australia, New Zeeland, Thailand, Iceland. I moved to Sudan, then I went to Ireland and Dubai. I moved to Morocco. All because of an approaching depression. And it did help, for a few weeks, then I'm back to hell again.

I'm sorry

To all my friends that I've lost along the way. I hope that, one day, our roads may cross again. Maybe then, I'll have enough strength to be a better friend. I try, I really really really try.

Plan Crasher

I'm a person who loves to make plans. I need to make them, to make myself feel like at least I'm trying to do something good about my life. It's also fun! It's great to sit down, get cozy and write down all the awesome things you're going to do next and how to get there. But then something happens, usually something out of my control (and that is not a self excuse) and sometimes it's my own making. 

I'm impulsibe, have always been and always will be. It's what makes me feel alive, to suddenly want to do something - and then do it! It makes me feel like... me. Sometimes I fail miserably, but a few times I actually hit the jackpot and comes out of the whole experience with more knowledge and a whole bunch of wonderful memories to go back to when the days are grey and rainy. Sometimes I even find a little happiness along the way. How I treasure that...

So, I think I will keep on planning, and keep on failing. Because sometimes, you actually end up finding that treasure digged down in the end of the rainbow.

Following my own Advice

"The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It's never of any use to oneself."

-Oscar Wilde

Once, I gave my sister an advice, which I now realize was a pretty good one. We were talking about love, and the art of staying in a long-term relationhip, of living with someone, making him the father of your children, dying with someone. I said that, I think it's all a matter of making a decision, nothing else. Of course love comes in handy, and being friends, understanding each other, being able to communicate, are all assets that will make that decision easier to make. But the secret to make it all last, must be that decision. You decide that "this is it", and then simply stick with it, through better and through worse, until death do you part. THat decision, however, is not something that should be done easily (and rarely is for that matter). Getting to a point when you feel that it's either this or that, can take a long time, and it should too.

I haven't been good at following my own advice, at least not yet. But I think, that from now on, I see things a wee bit differently. I have lived and learned, made mistakes but don't regret them. Sooner or later it will be my turn. Sooner or later I will feel safe enough to make that decision, feel loved enough and love enough.

And now back to Wilde. I did pass my advice on, and I sincerely hope that my sister will too, if she found the advice good enough. I believe that in many situations, when an advice is given, that advice is aimed for that person in perticular, and the circumstances he or she is in at the moment. And although it took some time before I realized that I actually had said something good, something to consider, but when I did, I actually plan to follow my own advice. But hat off for you Mr. Wilde, you were part of what made me reconsider my own advice!

Addams Family and more Sytostatics.

I spent yesterday at the hospital with Linda and Jamie. He had some fever and they decided to keep them for a couple of days. He was in a good mood though, and helped cheer up his pretty mum when she got the information that there won't be a surgery to remove the tumour just yet. The treatment he's been under this past month has been working really well, and the doctors wanted to continue with it for two more times to see if they can shrink the tumour even more. It's not bad, quite the opposite, but I know how much Linda (and all of us) wanted this to be over as soon as possible. But it is what it is. At least he will survive this, not much else matters!

Not much else has happened. I'm still part of the Swedish version of the Addams Family, summer came and passed, the leaves are falling off and last night I dreamed that me and my brothers and sister ran away from home to live in a caravan when it was freezing cold and raining. It was not a good dream.

Once everything is settled here again; when Jamie is healthy and the rest of the family is no longer in the middle of this huge emotional tornado, I'm out of here. There's no point in denying that I simply can't live in Sweden for a long time. Maybe I just have a bad luck of experiencing everything every time I come home, or I'm the one bringing the bad luck to the people around me. Either way, Sweden is at its best when I'm not there.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back.

Friday. If it wouldn't have been the 13th, this would be like any other Friday. A week of work is over, fun and sleeping late awaits for another two days. But that's for ordinary people - and my life is anything but ordinary.

From being an excited wedding planning person with high hopes of the future, I have at best transformed into a vague shadow of that person. A crashed relationship, a family in distress, a child (not mine) with cancer and a mysterious illness that the doctors are clueless about. I don't want to be the one who always complains, or have sad stories to tell. I don't want the angst to cloud my mind and infect my dear ones. I don't want to be a burden anymore. What I do want, is to be strong for everyone. I want to carry all the pain and sadness away from the ones I love, but I can't. If just one more thing will add to the weight that I'm already carrying, I know that I will sink like a rock in the darkest of the deep seas.

I hate it when people persist of calling me strong. For fuck's sake, I know I'm strong, otherwise I wouldn't be here today would I? But being strong is not synonyme with coping. I'm strong enough not to be broken when the tornado lifts and carries me away, but the tornado won't stop spinning no matter how strong I am.

All the strength I have left, I send to Linda and Jamie; everything will be alright. It's tough now, but the golden drops will shine it's light and scare the shadows away. I love you.

Birthday-word of the Year

"I sit on a man's back choking him and making him carry me, and yet assure myself and others that I am sorry for him and wish to lilghten his load by all possible means - except by getting of his back."

- Leo Tolstoy